How to overcome the fear of failure?

In our minds, to miss something means that we are a … failure. Because failure upsets your image, self-esteem and self-confidence, it should be banned. Yet failure can be constructive and inspiring! There are a few tips that can help us avoid letting the feeling of failure come over us.

Why is failure so hard to accept?

“Because it represents an obstacle to our happiness, to our development, answers Ariane Calvo, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist. Failure always has a bitter taste because it makes us experience events, therefore feelings and thoughts, which seem contrary to our vital impetus. In our unconscious it is an obstacle. ” And it resonates all the louder when paired with the loss the brain has developed a true aversion to.

What does he call into question?
“Our project, our plans on the comet! Each one develops an imaginary course according to which it would be fully realized, it would be loved, useful, winning.” We have built an ideal image of ourselves and our life that any disappointment tarnishes. “Failure weakens the sense of personal worth and self-esteem,” says the psychologist. Result, we lose confidence. And the vicious circle begins: the less you believe in your abilities, the less you dare to step out of your comfort zone, the less risk you take of failure, and the less opportunity you have to overcome your fear of failure.

Why some people can’t cope with failure?

Besides lack of self-confidence, demand and control seem to be at the root of this intolerance of failure.

“Some people have the feeling that apart from what they expect, happiness is impossible. This perfectionism often comes from childhood, when the expectations of adults are oppressive: we fear not to be loved when we fail to satisfy them “, recalls Ariane Calvo.

Others left for the control side. “Only a mastery of temporalities, of events, sometimes of those around you, can calm this fear of the unforeseeable.” Except that you can’t control everything.

How does this translate?
“Failure arouses the same fears (of being rejected, judged), with the same beliefs ‘I suck’, ‘Others are better than me’ or ‘The world is unfair’.” At the slightest hitch, we fear to to be condemned to a bland life… screwed up!

Any unexpected element is then the occasion of a questioning: failing an exam, breaking a romantic relationship, not getting the hoped-for job, or more simply losing in a board game or not being able to have the last word. ‘a conversation.

How to work on your “tolerance” to failure?

“We can list everything that his failures have made it possible to achieve (a meeting?), To discover about oneself or the world (a good lesson?)”, Advises Ariane Calvo. It is also about regaining a little mental flexibility so as not to generalize failure to one’s entire life.

“Finally, working on letting go is essential to become more tolerant of imperfection, but also of the unknown. Getting out of the predictable is the only way to deploy new resources.” How? ‘Or’ What ? By taking up small challenges: learning the piano or cooking, daring to express a need, taking steps on your own.

“Life is not a straightforward path. But the pitfalls are surprising experiences much richer than you think,” insists Ariane Calvo.

How to regain self-confidence after failure?

When we feel like we are moving from one failure to the next, or a bad experience calls part of our life into question, our ego can take a hit. Whether you’ve simply tried to eat healthier and failed, or your entire career is in jeopardy, a few small steps can help you step back, bounce back, and regain lost confidence:

Review your goals
Failure becomes almost inevitable if the goals are too difficult to achieve. Stopping sugar overnight while you love cakes is a nearly impossible commitment to keep. But reducing your consumption of sweets for a month by replacing chocolate bars and candies with almonds and nuts, or even a few squares of dark chocolate, is already a very satisfactory first step. Likewise, consider giving yourself specific, clear and measurable goals over time.

Start right away
If you feel overwhelmed by failure, it is easy to withdraw into the role of victim without taking action to change the situation. But don’t let yourself go. No matter the time of day or the day of the week, you can start a new challenge at any time. Don’t wait until Monday to take charge, start now!

Take small successes into account
Too often, we think of success as the time when we achieve great life goals. And when we fail to reach them, it is failure. But sometimes we forget on the road all the little successes that we have accumulated over time. Focus on those aspects of the situation that went well and can encourage you to keep going.

Think about the reasons
When we are at the bottom and the only idea we have in mind is: “I am good at nothing, I only make mistakes, failure is inevitable”, we can try to learn from these. errors. Instead of letting fear cripple you, grab a piece of paper and a pencil, and ask yourself the right questions: What happened? What was my share of responsibility? What can I learn from this? What can I do differently next time? Don’t let the feeling of failure overwhelm you or even slow you down.

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